1.18.2014

On having more kids

"You can try to conceive again in 3 months" the nurse said, right before she hung up from our weekly fun conversations about bodily fluid and hormone levels.  I put down my phone upset.  Do they not even read the chart anymore? Or maybe because the initial appointment was so crazy someone forgot to write down we were not trying to conceive.  

We hadn't shut the door on more kids completely, but it was definitely close. Why? Because the thought of having another baby would send me into a panic attack. I'm not kidding you, when they told me I was pregnant it felt like a death sentence. As horrible as that is to admit on the internet, it's the truth.  How would I do it?  And no, I'm not talking about the baby. I know I would love and cherish that little butterball till the end of the earth. The other kids though? Who knows when they would eat or get to school. It would be like Lord of the Flies over here. Protect yourself at all times and don't be the chubby kid wearing glasses.

I go crazy after having a kid, and I mean literally. I don't talk about it on the internet, but if you want to know the fun details just ask me in person and make sure you cancel all your appointments for the next day. Thankfully there are meds that help me through that phase called The FIRST Two Years.

I finally warmed up to the idea and put my hand in the Lord's.  I will do this.  I can do this.  I said in my prayer. And then we were told we miscarried. And then we were told I was still pregnant and how would you like to abort it?  Hello psycho hormones, how would you like to murder  me today?

So here I am today, not pregnant. And if we conceive in the next few months (on accident) the baby will most likely have severe birth defects. The shot they gave me is a form of chemo that inhibits rapid cell growth and eats all the folic acid in your body. Every mom or soon to be mom knows how important folic acid is. Very. Nothing has scared me as much about another accident than this.  I've considered separation or sending Ty to his parents house for the next 3 months. I'm that paranoid. Go ahead and judge, but when you find yourself in the "less than 1%" category you would buy a taser to take to bed too.

And here's the kicker. I'm sad to see pregnant women now. What? Where did that come from? Talk about left field. I don't personally feel emotions toward them, it just makes me sad. And I've thought about and considered actually "having" another baby. Ensue another panic attack.

After more consideration I put it in the Lord's hands. If it is His will, than we will. And I know we will be fine. Fine doesn't mean easy, or that we are capable. I can think of hundreds of women I know that would do a fabulous job having more kids, and I am not included in that list. I need sleep. I need sanity,  I need order. I'm really selfish that way.  But the Lord has this funny way of calling people to do things when they aren't qualified.

If it is not meant to be, does anyone know much vasectomies are these days?

And honestly, I look at this face and think, could we even make one this cute again?


3 comments:

Cathy said...

I'm so sorry, Annie. Putting it in His hands is so hard sometimes. I tell my husband all the time that I've got a lot of questions for Jesus some day. Like, seriously. Did I really agree to (fill in the blank with whatever struggle/hardship/crap-o-la I'm dealing with)? I mean really? I know that's not the most awesome way to handle trials but dang it, that's how I feel sometimes. I hope things start looking up for you. I just really enjoy reading your blog and your honesty about life. You're awesome. (And I'm actually reading this on the computer and not my phone so it's your lucky day! a comment! Woo hoo!)

Stacy Taylor said...

Annie, just because you didn't end up with the bundle of joy, doesn't mean all those nasty crazy hormones aren't going haywire (from a fellow crazy-after-pregnancy-lady). my third pregnancy ended at 13 weeks...and I went into a serious post-partum slump for 8 months...so don't discount those wild and crazy feelings. virtual {{{HUGS}}} it gets better.

angela michelle said...

Just saw this. Awwwwww. What a rollercoaster. You're so wise to decide to leave it in the Lord's hands.

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